Letter

To me.

This is a weird message to write. I don't plan to edit it or change things once I've written it, so what you're seeing now are my full, uncut thoughts. The grammar and spelling may not be amazing, but hopefully the meaning will get across.

On Wednesday the 18th of March 2026, I nearly took my own life. I stood at the top of a bridge, swung over, shifted my weight and was going to jump. I had no intention of staying alive. At this moment, I feel the same. I don't really feel like I've changed. I still feel empty. Worthless. Lonely.

As someone who is constantly surrounding themselves with people, be it magic, school or social activities (the few that I go to them), I have never felt more depressive. I wake up each day and feel the same empty feeling inside. It's impossible to describe, but a feeling of nothing and emptiness just sits in my stomach. There's nothing that I can do to change it. Even the smallest thing that I think might lift it does nothing by it momentary distraction.

The real feeling is leaving those situations. Where I'm walking, driving or just sitting by myself, thats where the feeling settles in. The feeling of absolute worthlessness. The feeling of not living, just existing. Even as I write this, that feeling lays on my chest and in my body. Sure, there's people that I know. But do they really know me? Do they really know the Jack that I am? Or just the Jack that I want them to see.

The truth is, I feel isolated. I feel every day that I see people who I know, but who don't know me. I walk past people who I've spent huge amounts of time with, only for them to not give me a glance. When talking to people, I always ask how they are.

But they never ask me back.

I've learnt not to talk to people. Besides, we all follow the crowd. We can't help it, its what makes us human. I've learnt not to engage in conversation unless someone else starts it. I'm constantly putting myself down, and raising people up, just for the sake of having someone to look up to. It's low self esteem. But I've learnt to hide it. To mask myself with a facade that hides every bad thing about me.

Because I don't really know who I am. I don't know what I'm entertained by, I don't know what I find funny, I don't know what I enjoy doing. All I know is that whatever environment I'm in, it changes the sort of person I become. At school, I laugh at things I don't find funny, purely for other people's sake, and in an effort to try to fit in. And that is reflected throughout my life. I'll always pretend like I've understood some reference, or know some film or be able to do some skill, when in reality, I don't. I don't know who I am. I'm not even sure who I want to be.

I know one thing for sure - I'm awkwardly tense. I get embarrassed for other people very easily. I can't sit with people without the fear of getting judged, and constantly feeing that I'm a burden, only there because I put myself there, and not because other people want me there.

Maybe it's because people don't really know me. I'm not even sure anyone knows my favourite colour. But I know that I am not one to start a conversation, in fear of judgement. In fear of rejection.

And this isn't some new-time thing. One of my earliest memories, was when I was 4, on a school playground, changing what I was doing in order not to be seen in a certain way. That feeling is still embedded within me, and influences what I do, when I talk, when I try to empathise.

And maybe it's loneliness. In fact, having written it down, it is loneliness. I don't have any 'best friend' that everybody else does. I don't belong to a 'friend group' like everybody else does. Sure, people recognise me, and sure, they think they know me, but in the last 5 years, I'm certain that nobody has truly and sincerely came up to me and asked me how I was feeling. And it feels awful. To be surrounded by people I've seen grow up, and to not be wanted by them is so fucking awful.

Nobody ever asks me out to things. I'm never invited over to places. The only reasons I go out is because I either invite myself, or I organise something by myself, which others follow lead to. That's another thing. Kids can't organise themselves, they are just sheep, waiting for a shepherd to guide them.

And frankly, most people are idiots. Most people I don't want to know because they vape, or they profusely swear, or they lack intelligence and motivation. It's ironic how someone who is always worried about how people judge them, is very quick to make judgements about others. But thats what I've always done. That's how I lived my life, viewing myself through the same speculative and analytical lens that I view the world from.

I've hated having to come into school these past couple of weeks. Not because I hate learning, I understand it needs to be done, and there are times where it is unconscious tuition when taught by a good teacher. But because I just don't know what to do. I've spent my whole life shying away from decisions and confident outlooks, while being some skewed pretend version of myself on stage for money. I spend my lunches out of school, because I don't know who to go to. I spend my evenings sat alone, talking to no one, because I don't know who to talk to, and no one talks to me. I spend my thoughts thinking about what I want to happen, without knowing what to do to get me there.

It's not because of a lack of options. I've had teachers upon teachers come up to me to tell me that their office is 'always open' and that they are always free to talk. But I don't know how to talk to them. They aren't really my sort of people, I look at them and see flaws and things that instantly make me turn off to them. And it's a fucking depressing perspective on the world. I notice the little changes, the little details, which no one ever does, which leads rot intense overthinking and evaluation of the smallest thing, which is ultimately my biggest flaw.

I don't feel like I'm living. I feel like I'm existing.

And there's other kids, though seldom few, who seem nice but just aren't always 'present'.

Robyn, when you catch her at the right time, which is when you're alone and quiet with her, can be incredibly supportive and helpful. But it's those times that she isn't, and besides, shes going through her own difficulties, which I'm trying to help her with, but it feels like I'm failing to. But thats her life. I can't change that.

Sonny is someone who I feel I appear to be quite similar to, at least with our interests, but his personality lacks in other aspects that I can disagree with. He's sometimes too excited or too worked up about things for me to get properly serious with him. But thats his life. I can't change that.

I used to message Amelia all the time. Every day I would come home and sit and message and talk for hours about anything and everything. And then it all disappeared and faded away. Now, I sometimes feel like she's actively trying to stay away from me. I don't know what I've done, and I can't change it. It's her life.

Will is someone who I feel that has always been there, but I still don't reslly know. His people he talks with I don't gel very well with, so I'm caught in an awkward cycle of communication with people I can't properly communicate with, whilst waiting for him to be free. And it seems in the last couple of months, we've drifted apart more and more. But it's his life. I can't change it.

And thats it. Nobody really who I feel I could turn to who is my age and would get on with. Sure, some people have their moments and are fun, but they would never invite me to places. And besides, they're easily embarrassed and not properly serious people who care about you enough to communicate it in that way.

But this is ALL FUCKING AWFUL. WHY DO I VIEW THE WORLD THIS WAY. WHY DO I SEE PEOPLE IN A NEGATIVE LIGHT. WHY DO I ALWAYS PUT MYSELF DOWN IN THE HOPES OF SOMETHING CHANGING.

WHY AREN'T I normal

I'm not one to campaign for change. I don't want attention or for people to say 'it's alright' when deep down, we both know that it isn't true. But what I would love, what I yearn for, what I wish for with every fibre of my body, is to be seen.

A simple shared smile can go a long, long way. I know it does for me. Complimenting someone in this age is often taken the wrong way, or seen as 'odd' or 'different'. But it's something that, at least for me, can mean the world. When someone compliments you on how you look, on how you dress, even just the way you hold yourself, that can be worth its weight in gold. Whenever someone messages me, and starts a conversation, I spend the rest of the evening thinking about how lovely and kind that person was, and how I should repay them for it. But it happens seldom few.

And I know this is all difficult to think about. And in truth, it's not able to evolve or change because of one individual. But if a large following of people just spread a little kindness, the repercussions are incredible.

But it will never happen. People aren't so easily united. People aren't so easily swayed or changed. And thats life. Thats how I'm going to carry on living. Thats how I'm going to have to keep on pushing through. Because I can't control those around me. I can't control what anyone else does. I can't control what I do.

So I'll have to keep on moving. And one day, something might happen.

But I won't be the one who causes it.

I don't know how to.